Episode Reactions
by eMu3
Summary: Chapter Six! In which Brad and Schuldig puzzle over the eccentricities of the Takatori family.
1. Episode Reactions

Title: Episode Reactions

Author: eMu

Summary: My fanon versions of the characters comment on some of the more bizarre aspects of the show.

"How did it go?" Schuldig asked, after Brad Crawford finally emerged from his bedroom reeking of incense. It couldn't have gone that well if Fearless Leader had needed to clear.

"Someone threw a sword at our helicopter." Brad answered as he made his way past his team (all lazing around the living room in different modes of relaxation) and towards the kitchen.

"Someone threw a sword at a helicopter?" Nagi repeated, somewhere between incredulity and scorn.

"It's too dumb to make up." Brad answered. He sat down on the futon next to Nagi with a carton of leftover soba and a can of iced green tea. He'd changed out of the dress shirt and tie in favor of a Red Sox jersey.

"Why?" Schuldig asked. "Did he think he could hurt the helicopter?"

"No, I think he was just trying like hell to kill our new boss and pissed we had an escape helicopter. The guy tried to jump us while we were inside too. Oh yeah, the new boss is an idiot. Worse than the last guy."

"No one ever accused Esset of liking smart pawns." Schuldig observed.

"Yeah, but I mean seriously, normally they have some sense of self preservation. So okay, this guy we're meeting, Hikage? Someone placed a hit on him and it went down while we were there. I'm not kidding, the lights go, someone's hacked into the speakers and broadcasts threatening messages, people are panicking, someone fires a crossbow at us…yeah, I had to suggest we leave."

"You're kidding." Nagi said flatly, knowing Brad didn't joke about work.

"And this guy has enemies too?" Schuldig asked, after a low whistle.

"Well I don't think the kid with the sword was an admirer. God, we have enough shit going on without having samurai swords thrown at us." Brad snapped, clearly annoyed.

"So we're actually going to have to work to keep this idiot alive, aren't we?" Schuldig assessed. His lazy nature didn't sit well with this information.

"Not for long. Thank Christ Esset's plans for this jackass are short term."

"Aren't we not supposed to say the C word?" Nagi asked, looking up from his laptop in concern.

"Farf's got headphones on." Brad said dismissively. "Are you studying or chatting?"

"Little of both. Hey, I can do both." Nagi objected as Brad leaned over his shoulder, prepared to close any windows he objected to.

"I thought you wanted to learn English. It took a lot of wheedling to get the funds for that software our of Esset. Cheap pricks."

"It's coming slowly because you and Farf keep trying to help me and you both speak it totally differently." Nagi whined.

The word rubbers had created a lot of confusion in the multi-lingual household. Schuldig snorted, remembering Farf's reaction to that moment of realization (I'm talking about erasers. What the hell is wrong with ye, ye sick Yank?!).

"I picked up English quick enough. You're just slacking." Schuldig accused. Nagi muttered something darkly before resuming his chatting.

Brad started eating some of his untouched soba, and the assassins lazed in silence for a few minutes. Schuldig was draped over an easy chair, bouncing his legs up and down, clearly jittery but also lost in thought. After a few minutes he broke the silence.

"So who was the guy with the sword?"

"Hm? Oh, one of the Weiss."

"You didn't think that was worth mentioning before?" Nagi asked, annoyed.

Brad shrugged. "We'll be seeing enough of them soon anyhow."


	2. Part Deux

Title: Part Deux

Author: eMu

Summary: The Weiss have a discussion while Yohji is recuperating after his failed outing with Maki.

"How's he doing?" Ken asked anxiously as Omi returned to the kitchen. Aya handed him a mug of green tea.

"Thank you Aya-kun! He's still muttering and tossing around in his sleep, but he should be out for a couple of hours at least. The shot could have done a lot more damage than it did, he'll probably be good for work in a couple of days."

"But not to finish out the mission?" Aya inquired. Omi nodded.

"I mean in theory he could, but I don't recommend it." He sighed. "I also took a peek at the disc he got back and the scheduling is on it. A quick glance through and we'll know when the targets are meeting next."

"So I guess…there's no reason for us to rush, right?" Ken asked. "I mean, we can wait for Yohji to recuperate and-"

"But Ken-kun, that girl that called us, she was still alive when the Liott men showed up-" Omi protested. Aya cut him off.

"She was shot in the back."

"So?" Omi squeaked.

Ken coughed, his expression uncomfortable.

"We can still save her if we leave soon! I mean sure, they might have killed her, but she could still be alive!"

"And what do we do if she is alive?" Aya asked. Omi looked outraged.

"What do you think we do? We bring her back here, tend to her wounds and…oh. You think she was homeless?" He asked. Aya nodded.

"I certainly don't think she was a client of the love hotel." He answered. "Do you really want to add one of Yohji's flings to the Weiss? A potentially crippled fling? She _was_ shot in the spine."

"But…but letting her die…I mean if we left right now we could still save her." He whimpered. He then took a long, slow sip of tea, thinking of a particularly nag-happy girlfriend Yohji had had for a couple of weeks who didn't seem to mind infidelity, or constant glares from his roommates or any potential deterrents short of Aya trying to back over her after the third consecutive night she'd slept over. Buying new uniforms for the florists had been the last straw.

She'd been standing on the sidewalk in front of the shop when Aya had 'accidentally' almost run her over.

"Well, I mean we could leave right away but…I have to shower first. I was doing a soccer practice with the kids when you guys called me, I'm all sweaty." Ken said lamely.

"You'd better do that." Aya agreed.

Ken was whistling as he headed towards the bathroom. Omi's eyes widened with disbelief.

"This is a human life we're talking about! But…I probably should defrag the computer before I try to open that schedule again, and I mean there's really no point in going all the way to Liott without finding out if the targets are going to be there."

"Hn. I need to sharpen my katana."

"Aya-kun…not that anything we're doing right now is unnecessary in any way or anything but…when Yohji-kun wakes up we should tell him we left as quickly as possible, alright?"

Aya nodded in agreement.


	3. Part Trois

Title: Part Trois

Author: eMu

Summary: A conversation about the death of Kase.

"Was that Ken?" Aya asked, having heard a motorcycle pull into the garage. Omi nodded as he walked down the stairs into the mission room. Aya was leaning against the wall with his arms folded while Yohji sat on the couch. Omi sat on the arm of the couch next to him, looking troubled.

"Turns out he did need the bullet proof vest-"

"Of course he needed the bullet proof vest! Honestly, sometimes I can't tell if Ken is just really, really optimistic or if he's actually that stupid." Yohji said.

"He's not stupid, he just trusts people!" Omi whined. "And…I mean c'mon Yohji-kun, this Kase guy was his best friend since they were children."

"And he tried to shoot him." Yohji added.

"He did shoot him. Ken was just wearing a vest." Aya corrected. "Which confirms his status as a dark beast, not that there was much question about that."

Omi frowned. He wondered if his teammates realized how insensitive they sounded. Of course he felt exactly the same way, but they didn't have to say it so blatantly.

"So…who wants to kill Ken's best friend?" Yohji asked. He then put a finger on his nose. "Not it." Aya glared at him. "Hey, if I kill Kase it'll totally traumatize Ken, and you know he's going to want to be there." Yohji then did an imitation of someone being strangled by his wire, and actually making the gurgling noises while bulging his eyes out a bit for emphasis.

"And if I decapitate him that would be so much gentler?" Aya asked.

"Guess that leaves you Chibi." Yohji said, turning to Omi.

"W-what?" Omi stuttered.

"Your darts are the least invasive form of death with the least graphic results." Aya assessed.

"Well, but, uh…I don't want to kill Ken-kun's friend! One of you do it!" He yelled, not able to think of a better argument.

"Hey, I called not it!" Yohji reminded them, returning his finger to his nose. Omi put a finger on his nose as well.

"Not it! Not it! Ha, now you have to do it Aya-kun!" He yelled.

Aya called his bluff. "Alright. Should I make the killing stroke as I unsheathe the katana, or should I use a different stance? Do you think it would be better for me to send his head rolling into the bushes or just let it land at Ken's feet?" His voice was perfectly calm as he asked all this.

Omi whimpered. "I don't wanna kill Ken-kun's friend, he's gonna hate me if I do!"

"He won't hate you-" Yohji argued.

"Of course he's going to hate whoever does it." Aya snapped. They all stood in conflicted silence for a few minutes. "Of course we could…"

"What? What could we do?" Omi asked eagerly, looking for any way out of their dilemma.

"Well, he has been very hands-on in this particular mission because of his personal investment in it." Aya stated.

Omi's eyes widened and even Yohji looked a little bothered by what Aya was saying. "You're not suggesting we actually make Ken kill the guy, are you?" He asked.

Aya turned to regard Yohji with an unreadable expression on his face. "I'm not suggesting anything. Just pointing out that Ken might volunteer to handle this one himself."

"We can't let Ken-kun do it!" Omi sobbed. "The-the bugnucks, oh-oh Aya-kun that mental image would haunt him for weeks!"

"Plus he's got the least stable mental profile of all of us. Are you saying you'd want to work with him after that when it could push him over the edge?" Yohji demanded.

"Yohji-kun!"

"What? We have to think about things like that too-"

"He can handle this. All I'm saying is, _if_ he volunteers we should let him do it. If he doesn't then it goes to you Omi. Your weapon is the least traumatizing." Aya said.

Yohji sensed a cop-out. "Sounds fair Chibi."

"Hey, that's not, I called not it too! It should go to Aya-kun." Based on the way his teammates were looking at him Omi could tell he was losing the argument. "Oh Ken-kun! We need to talk about the mission!" He called as he ran up the stairs.

A/N Thanks to Isi and Swirly for their reviews (obviously I'm grateful to everyone, but they weren't signed in so I can't use the review reply feature to personally thank them). Also I'd like to take this opportunity to plug some other work...sorry, I know this is rather tacky of me. These ficlets are in a similar style and with similar characterizations to the Malarkies and Mayhen series of fics I've done with my sister Chikin, so if you like these you'd probably LOVE those. That and I'm trying to get Chikin to write those fics with me again, and she demands reviews to keep going. We've gotten one new review since posting two chapters so, y'know...anyone wanna help me out? (Nonasuki-chan is already the fic's savior for being new reviewer #1)


	4. Part Quatre

Title: Part Quatre

Author: eMu

Summary: The Schwarz head home after seeing Takatori about Ouka's death.

"Please explain to me why I had to let that tubby bastard hit me with a nine iron? He could have killed me Crawford!" Schuldig yelled.

"Yeah…I do feel a bit dizzy." Farfarello put in.

Brad rolled his eyes. "I'll get you an ice-pack."

"That wasn't funny!" Schuldig yelled again, then put a hand to his head as the world began to spin. "Do I have a concussion?"

"Your pupils look okay." Nagi said. He looked at Brad.

"Okay, then answer my question. I get that we can't kill the bastard yet-"

"Actually we can't kill him at all." Brad lamented. He looked almost pained over the fact. The rest of the Schwarz had stopped walking, stunned looks of outrage on their faces, and Brad had kept going a few steps before he noticed and turned around. "What?"

"We don't get to kill him?!" They all shrieked. Schuldig stepped away from his teammates and started shrieking curse words, alternating between German and English. Farfarello was growling threats in Irish-Gaelic under his breath while Nagi contented himself with fixing a haunting death glare on his leader.

"Hey, it's not my fault! This one comes from Esset, we babysit him and when he becomes more fuss than he's worth we step aside and let outside forces clean up the mess for us."

"So Weiss. Outside forces is Weiss, right? We're the ones who've had to put up with that asshole and his brood of screwed up children for almost a year now, and we're supposed to just step aside and let the Weiss do him in?" Schuldig asked. "Where's the justice Brad?!"

"Yeah, wha' right do they have ta take our kill?" Farfarello interjected angrily.

"Um…actually Takatori's somehow responsible for every personal tragedy any of them have ever suffered." Brad reminded them.

"Oh yeah, forgot abou' that." Farfarello muttered. "But I'd still rather take the kill meself!"

"You would? HE JUST BEAT ME WITH A FREAKIN' GOLF CLUB!!!" Schuldig screamed. "And I FELT it and I had to LET HIM DO IT!! Even though I can kill him in so very many different ways. WHY CAN'T I KILL HIM!?!?!" Schuldig ranted, nearing a breakdown.

"You killed his daughter, isn't that enough?" Nagi asked.

"I didn't kill the bitch, Farf did! Why does everybody keep forgetting that? I was just trying to scare her a little, why did I have to get freaking beaten with a freaking golf club by some asshole I can't even kill!?"

Brad approached the telepath and placed a hand on his shaking shoulder (he couldn't tell if he was shaking from distress or from bottled up rage). "He's going to die and he's going to suffer. Abyssinian's going to administer the killing stroke."

"Abyssinian?" Schuldig asked.

Brad nodded.

"Oh, well I guess that's okay then. That kid's one sadistic son of a bitch. As long as he suffers I guess I don't mind." Schuldig seemed oddly comforted.

The Schwarz continued on their way towards the penthouse Takatori was housing them at, for the moment anyway. He'd been rather upset that his fancy foreign body guards had let all three of his children die, but then Brad had been able to redirect his rage and suspicion towards the Weiss.

Nagi paused again as he considered that last thought.

"Hey, Brad?"

"Yes Nagi?"

"How did you convince Takatori that Weiss were responsible for Ouka's death? I mean, Hirofumi and Masafumi I get. The Weiss killed them. But they were trying to protect Ouka and Takatori didn't even know they were there."

Brad frowned. "You know, I'm not even sure how I pulled that one off. I was kind of grasping at straws to get him to stop before he gave Schuldig and Farfarello brain damage. I guess he was so eager for a target for his rage that he didn't really need proof."

"So…ye didn't have Schuldig tamper wit his brain?" Farfarello asked.

Brad shook his head.

"Damn…" Schuldig said slowly.

"What a moron."


	5. CINQ!

Title: Part the Fifth

Author: eMu

Summary: In this exciting segment, Nagi drops a house on everyone

:Farf's licking his weapon again. Schuldig thought in a private-link to Brad, who was ignoring him. Seriously, I just counted three times, no, now it's four. I think he's fixin' to kill sumthin'- :

:You're not going to shut up, are you?: Brad snapped.

:And I can whip up all manner of annoying accents to boot.: He threatened.

:I know Farfarello is…fixating. He wants to kill Schrient and I can't say I blame him.:

Schuldig thought about that. :Nagi'd be pissed.:

:That he would.:

:So…are you going to divert Farfarello's attention?: Schuldig tried.

:Are you volunteering?: Brad asked with a smirk. Schuldig frowned.

:Fine. But this is going to end like shit.:

Brad turned towards him and on time his glasses did their menacing precog flash. :Of course I know how this is going to end.:

They were standing in one of Schrient's many 'labs' that really looked more like some sort of lake resort. Perhaps if they spent more funds on technology and lab equipment they could have de-furred more of their sugar daddy's body than they'd managed so far, but alas. There he was bobbing in some sort of large tube looking like the world's ugliest snow globe. And the three surviving Schrient were running around like chickens with their heads cut off with the four Weiss acting similarly; they called it a battle. The Schwarz were amused.

Well, the Schwarz excepting Nagi, who actually worried that one of the four pretty boys might be competent enough to do in his crush the way they'd gotten Neu. Schuldig didn't find that highly likely, but then again they had actually managed to get Neu.

The Weiss were amazingly prone to dumb luck; it was the only answer Schwarz could come up with for how they'd had so many missions end in success. They'd been watching Weiss for well over a year now, and Aya still swung a katana like a baseball bat, Ken still jumped through far too many windows cutting himself up like a ham in the process, Omi was still a 90 pound weakling and Yohji was still a chain smoker who couldn't run three feet without wheezing.

:So…is it ending like shit then?: Schuldig asked.

If his fearless leader wasn't planning on worrying about Farfarello then he wouldn't concern himself with the psychopath either. And without that distraction he was getting bored. Watching Schrient humiliate themselves was only so interesting and he was getting awfully sick of just standing there with the coma chick in his arms.

Then Schoen jumped into the room and started yelling at them. That was amusing for all of three seconds, but it also involved some evil-villainous type posturing, which was momentarily distracting.

Then Farfarello jumped forward and stabbed Tot in the chest.

For reasons stated above and because the idiot had picked Tot for a code name Schuldig wasn't at all surprised. Nagi seemed pretty surprised however, and Schuldig wondered how long the kid thought the girl who'd named herself 'dead' was going to last as an assassin.

:We're leaving now.: Brad ordered.

:But Nagi's still over there.: Farfarello chimed in.

:Are you actually worrying about Nagi? You just stabbed his girlfriend! Through the chest! Dude, you freakin' skewered her!: Schuldig accused.

Farfarello turned a blank, uncomprehending stare to him.

:Never mind. Where we heading oh mighty Oracle?: Schuldig asked.

:There's an escape helicopter outside.:

:Right. So if one of you wants to take sleeping beauty here I'll go grab Nagi and we can get out of here.: Schuldig said, shifting the Fujimiya girl in preparation for someone else to grab her.

Brad shook his head. :We're not taking Nagi with us when he's like this!:

:But…:

:He's our teammate.:

Farfarello and Schuldig both pouted at their leader as they ran for it, avoiding falling debris as they went.

:That's just cold Crawfoo.: Farfarello muttered.

:Do you want to take him into a small helicopter, moving through the sky, while he's blowing things up in despair?: Brad asked.

:No, I suppose not.: Farfarello reluctantly admitted.

:Besides, I refuse to listen to him mope all night and blast emo music. We'll come back for him tomorrow.: Brad added.

Schuldig shook his head as they settled themselves into the helicopter. "Not a fan of emo Crawfoo?"

"Stop calling me that."

A/N Hey guys, I know it's been awhile. I've been so busy with school that I haven't had as much time to rewatch the series and go WTF?! So yeah, I love the episode where Schwarz disappears into their escape helicopter and leaves Nagi behind, you know, while Weiss are still potentially a threat and he's all unconscious and vulnerable. What team loyalty! Please and thank you in advance for any reviewers!

By the way, I'm in the process of rewatching Gluhen at the moment, but it's really got its own thing going on, and these are only in some kinda chronological order by chance, I plan on jumping around. Should I start up a separate heading for Gluhen Episode Reactions or post them all here? Thoughts? Whatever, input would be appreciated. Cheerful happenings everyone!


	6. SIX!

Title: SIX

Title: SIX!!

Author: eMu

Summary: Schuldig and Crawford discuss work

"Damn." Schuldig shook his head as he exited the ostentatious office building with Crawford, who raised an eyebrow at his colleague's sudden expletive. He only had to wait a fraction of a second for Schuldig to elaborate. "There has gotta be something wrong with that family."

"I assume you're talking about the Takatoris as we're just leaving a meeting with them and yes, of course. There are several things wrong with them. I can start naming some if you need help."

"Quit being a douche Crawford, you know what I mean."

"Actually for once I don't. Enlighten me."

Now it was Schuldig's turn for a puzzled look. "Alright, fine. I mean what specifically is wrong with them? Too much inbreeding? That's my guess anyway."

"I'm not actually sure if they've inbred but I suppose it's a possibility." Crawford answered with a shrug. "I don't think we'll get very far attempting to puzzle out their genetics anyway, now if we'd gone for the Rosenkreuz track instead of the Eszett we'd be better suited for science as opposed to occultism."

"Mmm, and we'd also be much better monitored in our activities." Schuldig pointed out.

"Yeah, that too." Crawford said with a smirk.

"But seriously, like when Takatori jr. met us at the airport-"

"Hirofumi. Sorry but I have a hard time keeping them straight."

"Right. Well when that weirdo, and I seriously can't explain his malfunction, when he met us at the air port I figured he had to be the absolute worst link in this family. Because, you know, you get from his mannerisms and the like that he's just off, but it's so much worse in his head. I stopped looking when I don't have to. But yeah, then we got to meet his dad and I was like 'wow, it's actually worse'."

"Mm hm. Are you done rambling yet?"

"No, not even close. So yeah, Takatori sr., really out there and annoying and needs to be dead. I figure it absolutely cannot be worse than that. Then he makes me baby sit his bastard daughter-"

"Wasn't her name some kind of tree?"

"Ouka? How does that sound like a tree to you?" Schuldig asked with a laugh.

"Native English speaker." Crawford reminded him.

"Oh right, that is like a tree, isn't it? Well anyway she wouldn't be worse than her idiot putz father if it wasn't for the fact that she shrieks and she has loud, shrill thoughts. For someone who doesn't know about telepathy, damn can she focus."

"Uh huh." They'd reached their car. Crawford hoped Schuldig would end his tirade about the Takatoris who, being unpleasant people to deal with, certainly weren't fun to think about when one actually had down time. But alas, although he did turn on the radio he was not distracted by it.

"And then the coup des gras. What the hell is wrong with frickin' Masafumi and what the hell did he do to those women?" Schuldig looked at him expectantly, as though he knew.

"I think at least the little one in the bon bon dress was like that before he met her." Crawford put in. Schuldig's expression was priceless. "The one with the bad sci-fi movie visor is the one that bothers me. Something's not right with her."

"Nothing's right with any of them! Did you know he put that sad little outfit together when he found out the Organization was sending us to work for his dad? Seriously, he was trying to make the girl version of us!"

"So that makes me…Hel? Well I guess that's better than the alternatives." Crawford's demeanor was amused and relaxed, which irked Schuldig, who seemed unusually bothered by the admittedly odd gesture. It was probably worse understanding the motivations of someone as twisted as Masafumi Takatori as intimately as he was able to.

"Please tell me they're going to die."

"Of course they're going to die." Crawford answered exasperatedly.

"Well when are they going to die?" Schuldig barked.

"About seven months, give or take a few weeks."

"Seven months? Seriously? Wow. Wait, all of them?"

"No, not the entire Takatori family. That's going to take considerably longer." Crawford explained. "But all of the ones that piss you off will be dead inside seven months."

Schuldig let out a low whistle. "That's pretty quick, even for Eszett pawns."

"Actually I'm surprised by their longevity."

"Oh?" Schuldig turned away from the window and faced Crawford, whose eyes were on the road now that they were moving.

"Alright for starters they entered into a deal with Eszett willingly, and we know how that ends for people. They're not terribly bright, once again even by Eszett pawn standards and lastly, most importantly in fact, we are not the only trained assassins they've pissed off."

"Really?"

"Frankly I'm shocked they're going to live as long as they are. I think it's the money. If they weren't absolutely loaded they'd probably have died before we were even transferred here."

Schuldig grinned. "No shit."


End file.
